Learning to Respond, One Uncomfortable Call at a Time

 

I am not a phone-call person.

Calling relatives, friends, and sometimes even my own mother can make me surprisingly anxious. I often feel a surge of nervousness before picking up the phone.

With friends, I sometimes worry about comparison. What if their life is going better than mine? What if they have achieved things I haven't?

With relatives, I anticipate something else—a taunt, an intrusive question, or a comment that might hurt me.

For a long time, my instinct has been to avoid the discomfort. Text instead. Delay the call. Find a reason not to call.

But recently, I had a different thought.

What if I used these uncomfortable calls as training?

Not training to become a person who loves phone calls. Not even training to become comfortable with every person I find difficult.

Training myself to respond instead of react.

A difficult comment can trigger something in me almost instantly. I might feel defensive, embarrassed, angry, or hurt. And when that happens, my first instinct is to respond from that emotion.

But a phone call gives me an opportunity to practice something different.

Someone says something that bothers me.

Pause.

Take a breath.

Notice what just happened inside me.

Don't rush to fill the silence.

Think about what I actually want to say.

Then respond.

It sounds simple, but I think there is a real skill in creating that tiny gap between what happens to me and what I do next.

And perhaps I don't need to wait for some major confrontation to develop that skill. I can practice it in ordinary conversations.

A relative makes an annoying comment.

Practice.

Someone asks a question that makes me uncomfortable.

Practice.

A conversation takes an unexpected turn.

Practice.

Even when I feel the urge to defend myself, explain myself, prove myself, or retaliate, I can treat that moment as another repetition.

Like going to the gym, perhaps the uncomfortable part is the point.

Every time I notice the reaction and create a little space before responding, I am strengthening the muscle.

I haven't yet figured out how to take the next step—calling an estranged friend out of the blue. That still feels like a much bigger challenge.

And I'm still perfectly happy to text old friends when that feels more natural. I don't think every preference needs to be turned into a problem that needs fixing.

But I do want to know the difference between choosing text because I prefer it and choosing text because I'm afraid of the conversation.

Maybe that's the experiment for me.

I don't need to make myself love phone calls.

I just want to use the calls that make me uncomfortable as small opportunities to practice a much bigger life skill:

Pause. Breathe. Think. Choose. Respond.

Because perhaps the real goal isn't becoming comfortable with difficult conversations.

It is becoming someone who can remain grounded even when a difficult conversation makes her uncomfortable.